Understanding mom

“I hate you! Why can’t you ever just leave me alone!”

“Honey, I’m trying to help you.”

“I don’t care. Just leave me alone.”

“Fine.”

After that I left for college. I never really had a good relationship with my mother, there is no reason for it that's just how it was. I always loved my mother. I just never knew how to interact with her without it turning into a screaming match. I haven’t come back home since college, well until now. I came back home for something I never thought would happen this soon. My mother’s funeral. No daughter is ever ready for this point in their life. You can never picture the world without your mother. Yes me and her didn't really have the nicest relationship recently, but when I was younger she was my best friend, my whole world she’s all I had back then. Hey, she’s all I’ve ever had. I’m now sitting here at her funeral listening to the priest thinking about all the time I missed with her, just because I never came back home to visit, and cause I couldn’t try to get along with her. She was never a bad mom, in fact she was probably the best mom anyone could have. I just didn’t know it then.

At the end of the service I couldn’t stand to stay around, so I just went home. I walked in and didn’t know what to do, it was weird not having her smiling and asking me how my day was. I went to my room and everything was the same. I sat on the bed and grabbed my old pillow, I was frozen stuck in time well trying to go back in time. My phone hit something under the bed with my foot. I had no idea what it was, so I sat on the ground and took out the box. I opened the box to find all the little cut out pictures that me and my mom took out of magazines of all the places me and her wanted to visit together. As I started looking through the pictures I could feel the water building up in the corner of my eye and then start sliding down until I couldn’t hold them back anymore. I felt so bad that I couldn’t go to all of these places with her. So I decided that I was gonna go to see all of these for the both of us. 

After spending the night I woke up ready to make a plan for the trip. I was taking a road trip through the country. I had stops to make going from the east coast to the west coast. I was going to take pictures of every stop that me and my mom were going to go to. I started packing up my bags and then hit the road, two weeks of driving cross country it wasn’t going to be easy but it was for mom so I was doing it. I took my mom's car and no one has touched it since… well… it happened. The car still smelt like her and her half way listened through bon jovi CD was still playing when I started the car. 

My first stop was NYC to see the Statue of Liberty, my mom was always joking how she would have to take a 10min break after each set of steps. I started grinning just by the thought of it, it was nice to be able to chuckle and not tear up thinking about her. The drive to the Statue of Liberty was a little long and a little lonely and boring, but it was worth the drive. Me and my mom went to NYC once before it happened. We went to spend a few days in Time Square. It was nice I didn’t spend that much time with her when I was there, I wish I did. She always wanted to do things with me but I never gave her the time, when I should’ve. We tried visiting it the first time we went but never got the chance, so ever since then we both wanted to go back and see it. Once I got there I couldn’t believe the view was breathtaking. I took my first picture at  the bottom of the statue and then my second one at the top once I walked up it. The view was incredible, I stood there for a moment just to take it all in and to find some peace.  After watching the city from the top I decided it was time for my next stop. Mount Rushmore.

I was looking forward to this stop, I've seen pictures of it so I was ready to see it up close and in person. The drive was a little bit longer than the first stop, but I was hoping it was going to be worth it. During the car ride I continued to think about my mom. I thought about all the times we fought, all the hateful words, all the time I wish I spent with her, all the memories I missed out on making. But most importantly missing all the chance I had to tell her I loved her but didn’t. I couldn’t believe I didn’t go see her. I miss her so much, but I had to focus on the now. I had to focus on the road before I got distracted. I was almost there so I put the radio on and decided to rock out a little bit, while I was driving. I pulled up to the monument and boy was I shocked. It was way bigger than I expected it to be, I felt so much smaller than I usually do. Normally I just feel short, NOW I feel like I’m an ant standing next to this thing. I mean just look at it, it's huge. I went to take a selfie at the bottom of it for the scrapbook my mom was gonna make. I tried taking all of the monument and me in it, but all I got was the monument and the top half of my hair, that’s how short I was compared to it. We learned about this monument back when I started highschool. After walking down the strip for a little while I decided it was for my last stop of the week. The Gateway Arch.

I got back in the car and started driving. Same music as my mom always listened to on long car rides. I wasn’t as excited about this stop as the last, this one my mom was excited about. This one was probably going to be my favorite one to go to. Not because I was looking forward to it and because I chose it, but because it was going to be my mom's favorite stop. I got to the Arch and had to spend an hour looking for parking alone. Once I found parking and got out I walked over the Arch and it was even bigger than Mount Rushmore. I walked over to sit under it for a little bit and take some pictures. I took them from a bunch of different angles, they were looking great. I was so glad that I went to the house and found the box. After I took my pictures I went to sit on the bench that was under the Arch. 

When I went to the bench I sat there and a wave of emotion just started gushing over me. I wouldn’t let myself accept it but this was eating me up inside. What happened was heartbreaking for me, and I just had no idea what to do. The only person I knew who could get me through it is the one that's gone. I miss her with all my heart, yet there is nothing I can do to get her back. To spend any moment I could with her to tell her how much I love her, and need her, and how much she meant to me. And still does. I couldn’t take it, water just started filling up in my eyes, I was trying to hold them back as long as possible. But I couldn’t anymore. The tears came rolling down my face faster than I could wipe them with my sleeve.  I missed her too much, my face fell into my lap and I just started sobbing. 

I don’t know how long I was crying for by the time I looked up everyone was gone, and the only thing there was a guinea pig sitting right next to me. I looked at it and it looked at me, but I had no clue why but I felt connected to it. Like I knew it, that made me cry even more but in a comforting way. And without thinking I just yelled out in the middle of everywhere.

“I MISS YOU MOMMMM!”

There was no way I could stop it, but the guinea pig moved closer when I yelled it. It made my heart fill up, and I felt my pain slip away. I sat there the rest of the night just to think and calm down. I felt at peace for once this whole week. I just sat there as the pink and orange sky had the sun finish setting and then faded into black.